I have truly never been more humbled in my life than when I saw two little pink lines on that stick. It was such a surreal moment with so many feelings. I felt a little shock, excitement, disbelief, and extreme humility. I didn’t plan to immediately start praising God at this news, but that was my natural reaction. I felt so overcome with emotions that the God of the universe, my Savior, Creator, and all-powerful Lord, would deem me worthy of carrying one of His children. That was the thought that kept playing over and over in my head. I was so incredibly humbled that He would choose to bless Russ and I in this way. The gift of a child is something I know that many people take for granted. I know several women who have walked down the long road of infertility and many who are still struggling today. I could easily be in their shoes. I am no better or more holy than they. While it is such a hard concept for me to grasp, I trust the Lord’s plans for their lives just as I trust His plans for my own. I am so grateful for this gift and hope that I will never forget what a blessing it is to be carrying this miracle.
I have dreamed of being a mother since before I could even talk. As a toddler, I doted around with a baby doll on my hip while pushing another in my tiny pink stroller. I will never forget “Career Day” in second grade when most of the kids in my class dressed up as doctors, police men, teachers, and veterinarians. I came dressed as a mommy. I marched into class wearing my Gymboree sweatshirt and leggings while carrying my favorite baby doll and her little diaper bag. I was so proud. The Lord planted the desire to be a mother in my heart at a very young age and I always hoped that was His plan. I have such an incredible, nurturing, and loving mother who set an amazing example of what motherhood means. Her influence along with the way the Lord so uniquely designed my heart has left me looking forward to this season for as long as I can remember.
I believe that motherhood is truly one of the highest callings. Similar to marriage, I know that motherhood will be a time of growth and sanctification. I know that my days will not be filled with butterflies and rainbows and pure baby bliss. There will be hard days. There will probably be days where I want to kick and scream and give up. I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am confident that it will also be the most rewarding experience of my life. Learning to die to myself every single day and selflessly serve another human being who is not even capable of thanking me… now that is some humbling stuff right there! I am generally a very anxious person and have struggled with anxiety for many years, but something about this season of pregnancy and motherhood brings me peace. I know that the Lord has been preparing my heart for this season for a very long time and I have such confidence in Him that He will sustain me through even the hardest of days. I know I will need Him more than ever when I am sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. Instead of dreading the “crazy newborn season” I am praying daily that I will embrace it as a time to depend on my Savior more than ever. I pray that He will stretch me and grow me in ways I didn’t know were possible. While I know that it will not be easy, I really do anticipate this season with excitement and peace. I pray that the Lord will have His way with my heart as He prepares me for this high and holy calling. I pray that He will receive all glory, honor, and praise as I begin the journey of motherhood.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4